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Characthers type
The victim The victim has basically three personality traits: He looks for things – that he have decided – others “should” do for him He attempts to give others a feeling of guilt for not doing what he feels they should have done for him. He blaims others instead of looking at his own mistakes The victim has a tendency to punish others in various ways when he fails to get others to do what he wants.He can leave the room, slam the door behind him and then refuse to talk to you for several hours. He can demonstrate by crying and tell you how bad you’ve treated him, and the way you “hurt his feelings”. He usually accepts anything you have to offer him, and either thank you ten times for those things, or in other cases neglect to thank you at all because he is not satisfied with you. Basically, he is not able to accept anything from anyone as an actual gift, as a matter of fact he is convinced that gifts from others are bound to be repayed by him. The adaptor The adaptor is an eager listener who is desperate in his attempts to make others like him and adapts himself to others so that he apparently has agreements with people: 1.He waits until you have given your point of view and then agree with it without considering other viewpoints that might be more appropriate. If you had given a totally opposite point of view, the adaptor would agree with you as well. Forexample if someone say: All criminals are evil and should learn to show some respect. The adaptor says: Yeah, they should; I can’t believe how such people is allowed to keep up what they do,might as well remove them from existence once and for all. In an opposite example, I say: “All criminals are basically good people but have been been unloved as children and abandoned by society which is the cause of their unacceptable behavior towards others. The adaptor says: “Sure they’ve had a rough time, so they can´t help their behavior. The reason for this might have something to do with the adjustor´s lack of personal reflection to actually have his own opinions, and might be totally dependant of other people accepting him because he is frightened that he might become more unhappy which has probably happened earlier in his life when he shared his true opinions with others and he was invalidated. He changes himself to fit into social systems and is not honest about who he is. The arrogant After a conversation with an arrogant we might feel that we haven’t been listened to, or acknowledged as any worthwhile person at all. The arrogant is often a reflected and intelligent person who has a lot to comment on. He likes to talk, but listens to other´s viewpoints to the degree that he gets new information to disagree on. However, when someone tells him something that is logical or reasonable the arrogant will point out certain details that might be flawed, instead of acknowledging the things that made sense. The most important thing for the arrogant is to appear smarter than others and use his intelligence and knowledge to convince people of this. If you are in doubt whether this is true, look at an arrogant’s face when he has screwed up, and observe how he is eagerly and thoroughly explaining how he couldn’t avoid to mess up. He likes pointing out other people’s mistakes but defends himself vastly if he is caught doing mistakes of his own. The indifferent A lack of responsibility is a typical trait for the indifferent. He can live in a certain way that doesn’t even support his own ambitions. For instance, in the workplace he may be characterized as the one who regularly checks his watch and is eager to get through the day. He tends to complain to his colleagues about the work, how boring it is, and how much he wants to go home without feeling the need to do anything at all extra for his workplace. He does what is being demanded of him, nothing more. He will also have a tendency to not do things that is demanded of him if he thinks he won’ isn’t watched by his employee or colleagues. The indifferent is not especially concerned with living up to his ambitions, but uses vast amounts of energy telling his friends about things he never gets around to do. It’s all empty words, and he wants to give others an impression that he is someone of value, ironically he doesn’t feel valuable himself. The attacker The attacker is similar to the arrogant because arrogance is basically to attack. The main difference is vast when considering the reason behind the attack. The attacker defends himself, and the arrogant’s hobby is to raise himself above others to feel greater than them. This comes from a feeling of lack of self-worth in both cases, but the attacker feels attacked, while the arrogant is cunning and intelligent enough to resist others´attempts to attack. The interesting thing is that the attacker defends himself by attacking. It’s a self-defence mechanism. So instead of acting like a victim when other people – with their behavior- attack him, he verbally strikes back hard with his “hatchet”. The attacker is easy to spot because its so easy to “press his buttons”. Insults has a direct effect on him, and he has a tendency to interprete others’ comments as insults even if they aren’t. One needs two attackers to have a conflict, and the longer the process lasts the more likely the attackers will get psysical with eachother. The attacker is actually saying between the lines that others can hurt him by their actions and opinions, and he is especially vulnerable to it. It’s common that the attacker says: “I don’t care about what people say about me, they can say what they want and it has no effect on me. If they are going to complain and comment all sorts of things about me I dont have any interest talking to them again”. I´d like to add that I dont think that anyone can be totally invonerable to such people but by understanding the reasons for their actions we can begin to control our own behaviour towards these people in daily life: slow drivers, parked cars who take two spaces, unnecessary queues in malls, etc. The liar The liar may have experienced that telling the truth about his mistakes and choices has been badly judged by other people in the past. Therefore he has chose to protect himself by presenting other explanations than the actual truth as a self-protecting mechanism. Of cource lies such as cheating in relationships and keeping it untold, violence, treason, are obvious liars but lying is more common than that. I mean the daily things in life like the excuses the liar brings to his boss for not showing up for work, fail to keep up agreements, or why he won’t come to your tea-party. The liar is living a dangerous game for himself because has to calculate constantly how the truth plays out versus the lie-dimension. The liar often has a “plan B” in case his lies are revealed, where he is able to come up with an explanation that he hopes is so undeniable so he can keep his lies unrevealed. The liar is afraid that people will lose affection for him if they could see him as heactually is. And this with good reason! We do judge people for their mistakes instead of acknowledging their courage to be truthful. The solution is to find those people who can accept him with his flaws and mistakes and then be less afraid of the potensial harm of others who look at as less valuable when he tells the truth. The liar is in all of us to some degree. The bailer The bailer acts the opposite way compared to the attacker. He distances himself from conflicts and wish to stop conversations that contains some “energy” because of his fear that he might end up in a discussion which he either loses or lose respect by having. The bailer has a tendency to leave people or groups where he feels unsafe, evenif these circumstances are not unsafe at all, seen from another perspective. The fear can be manifested from a lack in sense of achievement, or by the existance of dominant people in a group (like the arrogant or the attacker). The characteristics of the bailer is that he all of a sudden has disappeared from the environment, without a notice. It can appear as if the bailer has pre-determined solutions for his environments: “I’ll bail out if someone comments by clothes. I am so tired of it and such people are best to stay away from”. He has his vunerable spot in the environment where he is totally controlled by others´potensially “vicious” actions or opinions. Conclusion: I don’t think it’s possible to make a certain distinction between all of these personality traits, because anyone might have elements from all of these, but we can all be placed more in one category than another. The characteristics of all those is however – from my opinion – the fear of losing something, or the fear of feeling emotional emptyness. One does not attack others because one is happy, and one is not the victim, the indifferent, the liar, or the bailer because one is truly happy. I think those phenomena might have a common solution which is to change the viewpoint that others’ actions or opinions have an effect on you. A formula can be presented as a guideline: Situation -> Judgement – Feeling and reaction. This formula is borrowed from Greg Baer M.D and his real love research. It explains how we are not puppets to what other people do, but we have a choice how to judge situations or people before we instantly react to them. Some people justify using anger in their life and say that it is inherited or that it is somehow in our nature, and we all know that it is in our nature. We need anger when we are seriously threatened by a lion, but not when we dont get a parkingspace. Get it? We can not control other people´s actions, but we can change the judgement about a situation and then get other feelings and reactions. To acheive this, we has to acheive enough insight to be proud of one-self including one’s fallibility and present uncompleteness. This is possible through finding people that don’t judge your mistakes when you’re honest about them. We can then learn to be proud of ourself with our mistakes included. We don’t learn when people attack us, we don’t change ourselves because others demand it. We instead protest and insist on being ourselves, which is natural because we have a need to be accepted. People can then see who we actually are, and without the deceptive mask, then following the ability to accept others´goodness and help. We may come to a point where we don’t have to defend ourselves, but to have the other person’s happiness in focus which may create wonderful friendships.